Lesson 2

The scene...

It's a blustery but sunny afternoon and we are riding along the old railway on our bikes. William has been instructed NOT to suddenly stop or swerve infront of me again!!... My bruises from last week are now yellowing in colour and looking very attractive!

The conversation...

"... Muuum, I suppose you want to know about the PHSE lesson this week? ..."

Well - how did he know that??? Was i too interested last week??

"... we did bras... and stuff..." 

"What sort of 'stuff' William?"  - God, what the hell is 'stuff'?

"Oh, you know - stuff like cordons..."

?!?!?!?!?! cordons?? "... I think you mean condoms?"

"Oh yeah, condoms" 

So I'm thinking - what the hell do i remember about those? ... Only one of my most embarrassing moments on a hen night ...

... i had driven 5 glammed up girls into Leeds in my car and we had spent the entire journey blowing condoms up to tie round a huge black dick we had acquired for the bride. They had enthusiastically used a whole month supply and scattered the wrappers all over my back seats.

... the following day i dropped my car off for service.

... and when i went back to pick it up, the mechanics were all staring at me! ....As I got into the drivers seat i noticed - to my absolute horror - a neat pyramid of empty condom wrappers on my passenger seat.

I never went back 

"Uncle Richard told me about cordons" 

Jeeze - now i remember extremely vividly uncle Richard when he was Williams age ... with the 'bone in his willy' !! 

I really, really didn't want to know what uncle Richard had said so swerved around to bras ...

"What did you discover about bras Will?" - he starts sniggering

"There was one we could touch..." Mmmmm! "... on the table"

"Eddy said that it's not much fun without anything in!"

 

Okay - good old Eddy! - he has got a point

"Muuum, did the boys used to play with your boobs?"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Erm ... no!" - OMG -  "but they did twang the back of my bra sometimes"

He's quiet for a moment.

"How's your foreskin Will?" I politely ask ...

"Oh fine" - very serious

We have emerged from the trees and are going uphill in the sunshine. 

Peddling faster to keep up with him I get a fly under my shades and am blinded for a minute.

"Muuum, in puberty, do you go blind?"

(...only if you wank your head off day and night! - so thats a "yes" then haha)

"No darling, why on earth do you ask that?"

"Oh - just asking" 

He concentrates for a while as we descend a steep slope and bank around a corner...

There is a frown on his innocent childs face "Will i get spots and grow hair on my chest?"

"I don't know if you'll get spots but you'll definitely get more hair in certain places"

"Muuum ...it's all very confusing. "

Boy, he's not wrong there!!!

... until next time x

 

Williams Sex Education – Lesson 1

The scene…

I have had a busy day at work, William is still in his school uniform – shirt hanging out, tie loose, jumper covered in … ??? whatever! All is quiet at the dining room table and we are focused on lamb chops with new potatoes. 

The conversation …

“… penis …” 

I glance up! and look at him – he’s eating …

“… foreskin …”

I look up again, but he is concentrating on his food …

There is silence for a moment while I am wondering what to say…

“Muuuum? We can only say penis and foreskin in PHSE lesson ….”

“Good” I say “it’s not the sort of thing to say in everyday conversation”

“we watched a video today about boys and girls bits – the proper name for stuff”

Okay!

“and what did you learn Will?” slowly chewing my new potato and thinking – this is going to be interesting …

Now – I have got a book on this sort of thing … how to communicate with boys … how not to have eye contact … how to let them focus on something else when telling a tale in order for them to spill what is on their minds …

“did you know that boys can get cheese behind their foreskin?” … silence for a second … “and I have to make sure that I wash it really well”

Mmmmm – unfortunately I did know

“ Muuuum?, how do you get cheese there???”

“I don’t think they actually mean the sort of cheese you eat Will…”

So we had a discussion about pulling his foreskin back when he’s in the shower … which was nice!!!!

“Muuuum?, did you know that girls … glancing to one side (– don’t ask me why!) … bleed from their front bottoms …?????”

“yep” acknowledged in a very negative way

Silence for a moment while he takes this in …

“Muuuum?, - do you???”

“yep”

At this point he sits back in his chair and looks gob smacked … (bless)

“… does Dad know???”

“… I think so” I said (but you never can tell)

William chews thoughtfully – and swallows his last mouthful – and says “when do you do that???”

Feign thinking for a moment … “every month”

“Oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – he is really shocked “that’s just awful for you”

I do love him so much – he is just going to be a perfect boyfriend – haha

There is quiet again while he gets a yoghurt and some strawberrys

Dare I ask?? …“William - can you remember any names for the girls bits??”

He looks at me with creamy yogurt round his mouth – “Nah – you should know what those are – I don’t need to know ‘cos I’m a boy…”

Mmmmmm!

We have wet dreams to look forward to next week … I really can’t wait!!!

My very special cousins trip to Leeds 

so ... i had been really looking forward to seeing Nic as we seem to only meet

 these days at weddings and funerals - and as her sister hadn't invited me to the 'sudden' nuptials  - we needed a get together. Facebook has provided a wonderful format for instant chat - so we arrived at a Spring date ...

Saturday...I entered the address into my sat nav and set off to find the 'other side' of Leeds ...  

Ringing her from the car 

park outside the flat -wondering if i should be leaving my soft top alone 

- i found her in a semi ready state (it was, you understand, only 11am!!!) Big hugs and kisses (what we do best) and the crisis about the nail polish - jeeze!! ...

Eventually set off for York - lovely walled city - lots of shops, pubs, eati places - and immediately stopped for lunch! and a glass of wine...

... so i'm thinking - okay, got my own personal beauty consultant but when beginning my first question about mascara (it's black gunk we put on our eyelashes...) - she holds her hand up and says "talk to the hand 'cos the face aint listening..." well - i ask you ... what did she think i'd asked her to Leeds for?!?!?!?!

... so she made me buy a new top to cheer me up and proceeded to conduct herself like a mad woman in the changing rooms - Trinny & Suzanna had nothing on her.

Then we stopped for afternoon tea... (wine) and then made our way home (too cold for the top down - and, bless, she'd brought a headscarf - shame) to get ready for dinner ...
... curry was the choice - Harrogate (spa town) was the destination. 

Well - yum, yum ... for some reason Nic ordered a bucket of Balti (and when i say bucket - it was - literally!) with a spade and everything .... and bugger me if she couldn't finish it all ...

More wine and wishing we had elasticated pants on - decided not to go dancing haha

... some time later - slumped in a chair - we chatted the night away 'till the early hours ... as girls do!

Sunday...
No hangover - miracle!!!  Bacon butties and fresh coffee on my patio catching rays of Mr Sunshine. (then lots of boring stuff with family / hugging / kissing / chatting etc)
... and a hair slide that vanished into thin air - of which Nic thought the cat had pinched (... therapy !!!! quick !!!! nurse???)

Love you Nic x